Dichotomy of Motherhood

So, I'm sitting at the computer, the baby wrapped in a long stretch of fabric somehow capable of keeping her on my body without falling out below, trying to balance a bottle between my chest and chin so I'm able to simultaneously write down my thoughts. Now, that's what I call multi-tasking.

I can't believe that Carol is already almost a month old. It feels like yesterday and ten years ago all at the same time. I can't believe this little human was the creature living inside of me all those months. I look at her with amazement. She's a little mini-me with the opposite coloring...and hair on her back and shoulders...hopefully that'll fall out soon.

For the most part, we have a simple and easy baby. Just needing basic things like food, comfort and the occasional pat on the back to help get a burp up. She cries when she's hungry, hurting, gassy or having bad dreams (do babies have bad dreams?).

Motherhood is crazy. It's an immediate feeling that all of a sudden your life is no longer your own. That you can't just up and leave to go somewhere and even after a long day away or at work, you still have work to do at home. Long gone are the days of veggin' on the couch...because soon enough, your child will need something from you. YOU... It's a crazy feeling to think that I'm someone's mother.

I wonder what she'll be one day. At the same time, I try not to let myself think past the next feeding...or rather, some days, I'm just not capable. Your life becomes compressed down to the two to three hour increments in between feedings. And thank goodness I'm not physically breastfeeding. I don't think I would be able to leave the house. It's bad enough with bottles let alone having to whip out a boob everywhere you go, regardless if I had one of those covers or not. Yeah, let's put on the cover, hold a baby on a seat with no arms (most likely), and try to feed her with one hand while holding her with the other all while she's screaming and people are staring (either because they are annoyed someone has the audacity to feed their child in public, or they're trying to sneak a peak). Yeah, bottles are wonderful.

Diapering is interesting. Such an easy concept on a doll or in your head...but a REAL baby has legs like a frog that don't stretch when you want them to. A real baby decides the best time to pee or poo is IN BETWEEN putting the new diaper on and the taking off the old one. Tricia's been peed on many of times...I almost got shot with poo when she sneezed during one changing. It's all par for the course, however.

There's a part of me that truly enjoys the three am feedings. Okay, let me wake up first, open my eyes and get situated, but once I'm awake and she's happy because she's got a bottle in her mouth and she's quiet, I feel like the world is my own. Tricia's asleep, the cats are where ever they're at, the baby's in my arms and my mom is down the hall. It's just me, and the baby and sometimes "Poker after Dark" or re-runs of "Law and Order". The Magic Bullet is looking more and more appealing to me, even if the acting in the infomercial is atrocious. It's quiet, cool and there's a stillness about that time of night - something that daytime doesn't afford. I like it and even though I'm tired the next morning, I look forward to the next night.